Dear Prudence, 16 May 2013:
I am the middle of three boys and we are all in our 20s. Our parents separated shortly after my younger brother was born and eventually they went through a bitter divorce. Recently, my father, brothers, and I went to a camping-style family wedding together. The facilities were spartan and we all ended up in a communal shower. I’m sure this was the first time all four of us were naked together, and it was certainly the first time I’d seen my younger brother naked since he was little. In the shower, there was a definite “one of these things is not like the other” moment. While my older brother, dad, and myself have fairly similar, if modest, endowments, my younger brother’s male parts were noticeably different (and “better”) than ours in almost every way possible: size, shape, even complexion (!). It was like seeing a great white whale breaching alongside dolphins. None of us look strikingly like our parents, but we are clearly brothers, except for this newly discovered alien appendage on my younger brother. At the reception, my older brother brought this up to me immediately, and we worked out the theory that mom had an affair that gave rise to my baby brother, and his decidedly different genitalia, and the divorce. I don’t think full brothers could have such variation, and the fact that my younger brother’s package is a definite upgrade plays into the theory that maybe mom was shopping around for a better deal. We’d really like to get to the bottom of this, but we’re not sure how to broach this already difficult topic with either parent when our only evidence consists of this sensitive observation.
Dear No Ahab,
Your younger brother’s giant, beautiful penis, which you had no choice but to stare at and later discuss at length (YSWIDT?) with your sibling over chicken marsala at the celebration of a couple’s lifelong partnership, is nigh irrefutable proof that your mom cheated on your father, because let’s be real, what woman wouldn’t love a big, pink schlong more than she values marriage?
The most important thing you can do in your life right now is try to solve the mystery of where your brother got his prodigious and sublime dick. Imagine how well you’ll sleep knowing that your brother’s magnificent, tremendous member is the result of infidelity, and not a random happenstance of genetics.
Parents long to be asked about the circumstances of bitter divorces, all the more so when it involves ascertaining the size and shape of genitalia. The happiest families are those which are unafraid to talk about the hard stuff. Like, for example, your brother’s dick, which is so gorgeous.
Don’t try to get to the bottom of this situation. Get to the tip of it.